back in my old bedroom.
it’s possible this might make me
more crazy than staying at
i’m already so tired.
note to self:
mom drinks everyday,
sometimes in the a.m.
she’s never WASTED
but there’s a buzz.
was it always like this?
is this why i couldn’t see it with you?
my head hurts.
my stomach hurts
too many things hurt.
i don't want to get up
but she makes me.
i don't want my meds
but she makes me.
i miss you so much.
music can’t replace you.
no melody feels like your hands
and no lyrics sound like voice.
i want to go home
but only with you.
i had to come home without you. mom told me i needed to go through the apartment to find all the alcohol and get rid of it before you’re done. she made sure to tell me i needed to be intense about it because stuff would be hidden places. so that’s what i’ve been doing.
i can’t stay here or i’ll cry all night wishing you were bed with me because i’m starting to crack. it’s actually not that easy being around her lately either. i get it. she wants me to understand that this could be detox visit #1. i get that people relapse. i don’t expect you to be perfect. but you know how she is. blunt as fuck. not afraid to say what you don’t want to hear.
here are things i don’t want to hear:
- you might never get better, even if you try
- our relationship could be bad timing
- i might be TOO SOFT for all of this
- you can’t fix me and the pills won’t either
- it’s obvious i should be in therapy
i don’t want to think anymore. i just want to see you.
stealing your clothes isn’t as good as stealing kisses.
we've never been apart this long. it's nearly over.
i see you tomorrow but my hands keep shaking anyway.
you told me to take care of myself and i did my best
but honestly my best wasn't that great and i'm sorry.
i won't REALLY apologize to you. i know you hate that.
i only eat because she makes me
and xanax is the only reason i get sleep.
we say you're my best medicine and i believe it more than ever.
what if i'm not YOUR best medicine?
what if all her "just trying to protect me" bullshit is true?
i'm scared you're going to see how scared i am.
i don't want you to think that i can't do this.
phase two starts today.
i already feel sorry for your ribs
because i don't think i'll let go
until it's easier to breathe.
i've tried so hard to be better
even if it doesn't feel like it half the time.
not skipping doses.
cutting out caffeine.
no more drinking!!!
sex is totally exercise.
sleeping the best i can.
she said this thing a couple days ago
about how brave you are to be doing this.
that you're probably doing it for me.
i can't be relieved you can admit you need help
and then shut myself off from everyone
and refuse to ever do the same thing.
not if i ever want to REALLY get better.
maybe therapy wouldn't be the worst fucking thing.