fresh start? best start? no.
just always in the same place.
not sure if i can change.

NCBD: hawkeye #3, paper girls #11, deadly class #26
ugh! getting so behind on giant days and goldie vance!!

you make the tips of my fingers tingle and all you have to do is come rushing into my bedroom, cheeks flushed and hair a little windblown. i just know the second i see you how badly i need to touch you. lust is supposed to fade faster than love but i can honestly say neither has slowed since the second you smiled at me the first time. how did i get this scared to let you down?

playing "jet fuel can't melt steal beams" by camp cope on repeat.

"the only thing that stops / a bad man with a gun / is a good man with a gun / the lies they use to control you" - TOO REAL.

i want to start writing real songs but it just feels safe to stick with harry potter. it's scary enough being on stage playing those. or even helping mat with his stuff. i don't know. i'm tired. xanax time.

does a boy sending me a pizza mean he wants to fuck?
what if he tells me to share the pizza with my girlfriend?
it's embarrassing how bad i am at this shit.

a year has gone by since my status flipped from "committed af" to "open relationship" and i can still count my experiences outside of her on one hand with fingers to spare.

there's a scratch on my brain.
the way you said my name on repeat.

i have no idea what i'm doing.

laine asked us BOTH out to dinner friday. i might spaz.

NCBD: tomboy #10, wicdiv #26, steven universe #1

it's late. too nervous to write lately. see ya tomorrow.

current jam: glitter by charly bliss. don't psychoanalyze.

DATE HIGHLIGHTS
1. fergie blaring hardcore for a sec. thanks, caty.
2. idk not that time i mentioned blow up dolls?
3. fettuccine alfredo being fucking delicious.
4. somehow surviving awkward small talk...
5. caty knowing when to reach for my hand.
6. laine taking us rollerskating after dinner.

ANYWAY. laine is a gryffindor and i think i like him. he's intimidating as heck but he's also sweet and doesn't seem to mind we're socially inept. he's a good guy and i'm interested in seeing where this goes but i can't tell how caty feels about everything. i know you'd be unimpressed. (you're always unimpressed.) whatever.

AVADA KEDAZZLE SHOW!!! @ twilight cafe

we’re gonna play…
1. so into spew
2. accio draco
3. chamber danger
4. love good? love bad!
5. nearly headless prick
6. umbridge to nowhere

current plan - ask laine to stay tonight?
would that be weird? it’s all weird, i guess.

i want to write a song about lupin because SHUTTING OUT REAL LIFE so here’s potential ideas…

we’ll keep the moonlight
out of sight
i’ll keep on holding you
fucking tight

don’t go changing, don’t you hide
we’ve got death eaters to fight
we’re in this, me and you
we’re in this, just us two

TOTALLY ABOUT LUPIN!!!

i doubt so much but never her - never how easy it is for her to find me and take my hand, fingers intertwined, souls perfectly aligned. i can’t read her like kerouac but she knows me like she's marked all the right pages and she keeps a map to my happiness hidden in her back pocket.

i'm fumbling with my compass but wherever we go, we go together.

it's worth mentioning i could get used to kissing him.

final valentine’s day mix for caty
sledding with tigers - sunshine
simon love - the new adam & eve
and the kids - secret makeout factory
bad luck - love song
said the whale - the light is you
zolof the rock and roll destroyer - argh…i’m a pirate
jonathan richman - everyday clothes
pwr bttm - dairy queen
petal - heaven
moose blood - gum

ps. “sugar high, sugar crash. hulk smash!!”

when your bff gives you a writing assignment:

fuck! i’m supposed to write everyday,
unpack what’s in my head onto paper.
can’t say that i do it but i try and
kick it out somehow.

you make a good housewife.
other half status? platonic. neurotic. whatever.
usually that’s what’s in there. sad!

NCBD: patsy walker aka hellcat #15, sex criminals #16

CRUSH STATUS: INTENSE?!
can’t wait for him to get home.
can’t wait to be in his mouth for the first time.
can’t wait to see what happens next.

anticipation. frustration. an ache in my chest.
i want him to be different than the rest.
i want this. i want this? i want this!
not sure why i’m still depressed.

“i’ll marry you if you need me to, but i doubt you will.”

need. want. who knows. it’s hard to say most days. marriage is mostly a social construct anyway. overrated. counterproductive. i’ve never seen one that didn’t make my hands shake under the dinner table. my stomach twists in knots when i think about the future. not sure who to blame for that.

keep thinking about that night. it’s been so long. too late to tell you. too late to beg for more. too sure it didn’t mean anything. not to you. but it doesn’t take much to take me back there. cigarette smoke. tangled sheets. sweat on my forehead. the way you say my name when you feel too much.

do you ever think about it? the drag of my lips across your collarbone. my breath on your neck. your hands in my hair. warm skin and wet kisses. thighs shaking with you inside me. tumbling toward the edge but holding on together. too much. not enough. please tell me you think about it. about me.

let's pretend all that word vomit yesterday never happened.

talked to caty about what the heck we're doing yesterday.
she's scared. i'm playing it cool with everyone but i'm scared, too.

i gotta fucking relax.

this whole thing is supposed to be what i want and here i am stressing the frick out over it like it's not LITERALLY FUCKING AWESOME that i have a badass girlfriend and a hot dude wanting my dick all the time. get out of your head, milo.

i'm in bed alone listening to frightened rabbit.

you know what's a good song?
over before it began by joyce manor.

a real bop. ha.

my superpowers
- endless supply of gifs
- tolerating you
- redirecting barf
- making you smile
- writing well
- being in a band despite having anxiety***
- being introspective
- i’m losing track

your superpower
- making me be nice to myself

i forgot for a hot second how much i like waking up in his bed. i don't know if it's supposed to feel safe there but it does. and it scares me how quickly that happened. how easily the switch flipped in my head. i'm not like this. i don't give in this easy. i don't let myself care this much. i can't explain it. scares the shit out of me.

pizza buffet with caty tonight. i feel like my head's been all over the place lately but it's fucked up and pointless because i know i'm gonna get butterflies when i see her. i know i'll want to kiss her until my breath catches in my throat. i know SHE is my constant when the whole world feels unsteady. i know she'd never let me down.

profound words? the truth is enough.